Joke Writing 101. . .Part 3. . .3 Rules
RULE 5: Twist the joke. Give out a real fact in the set up, and make up a crazy (exaggerated) fact in the punch line. A lot of times punch lines are grouped in threes with the crazy fact at the end. Three things just seems to have a good cadence.
RULE 6: Speaking of punch lines, make sure the last word, or pretty darn close to the last word, is the zinger punch line. No prepositional phrases or other words after that word. Really, I’m not kidding. See these examples of jokes I sold:”A new study has found that the anti-anxiety drug fluvoxamine is effective in relieving anxiety in school-age children. Of course, it’s not quite as effective as getting their braces off.” The words “their teeth” don’t need to be included because we already get it and it would just slow down the joke.”The first bloodless surgery was performed this week in which a kid who is a Jehovah’s Witness got a new liver without a blood transfusion. The parents were so happy, they almost celebrated!” The word “celebrated” is the punch… no need to say “celebrated his survival” because we already get it and it would just slow down the joke.
RULE 7: The “Cuh” sound. A general comedy rumor is that words with the “c” or “k” sound are funny. Who knows if this is true, but ya gotta admit, the names Chuck and Cletus are funnier than Steve and Stuart. (especially if Chuck and Cletus are dating Liz Taylor… no?)
There are many more joke tips, but these will get you started so that people will read your material and you’ll achieve fame, fortune, and timely car payments!
JOKES
I write a bunch of topical jokes every day for radio. . . some of the good ones still don’t make it on for various reasons, so here are a couple of the losers . . . .
–A new study shows the stress of unemployment may hurt the immune system. But, hey, telling people you aren’t working because you’re sick, still beats telling ‘em you’re not working because no one is stupid enough to hire you.
–So according to Sheryl Crow, we’re only supposed to use one square of TP and we should wipe our noses on our sleeves . . .give me the phone book, I’m calling my kindergarten teacher to tell her she was wrong!
–RollingStone.com has listed the top 25 songs to listen to when you’re high. Of course all the words in the 25 songs will sound pretty much the same wen you’re high. . . “go get some food, go get some food, go get some food.”
–A thirteen-year-old was crowned LG National Texting Champion on Saturday after she typed “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” in 15 seconds. Big deal. Put that same teenager in a fast food uniform, stick her in front of a cash register, and watch how she slows down.
–A man is diversifying his wood products business by building caskets for family pets. So let’s see, the casket for my goldfish will cost $10 bucks. . .the plumber to unclog the toilet after I give it the proper burial will be $100.
(the answer is C if ya didn’t guess already!)
–A recent study found that people who are unemployed, versus people who work, are about 150% more likely to be:
A.) Depressed.
B.) Married.
C.) SLEEPING ON THEIR PARENT’S COUCH.
–Cuba’s average life expectancy is 77.08 years, which gives them 11 more years of:
A.) Life over the average person.
B.) Life over someone in the U.S.
C.) TRYING TO BUILD A BOAT OUT OF A CHEVY.
–RadarOnline.com says that “Spider-Man 3” is the most expensive:
A.) Movie ever made.
B.) Graphics ever used.
C.) MOVIE MISTAKE. . . UNLESS SOMEONE DOES A SEQUEL TO “WATERWORLD.”
–Rumor has it the suits at CBS may move Katie Couric into another role after:
A.) The elections.
B.) The first of the year.
C.) THEY PULL THE RATINGS UP TO THE LEVEL OF “TOILET.”
Joke Writing 101. . .Part 2 . . .2 Quick Rules
RULE 3: Be brief. Bill Cosby can go on for hours with a single joke. The rest of us should only include facts in the set-up that NEED to be there for the punch to work. Delete unneeded adjectives and prepositional phrases, so that all words pertain to the punch line. I try to keep my jokes to 3 typed lines (not 3 sentences, but 3 lines). When you make a crack about Britney Spears fighting with Kevin Federline, her ex-husband, you don’t really need to say “her ex-husband.” Pretty much everyone knows his status, so you don’t need to repeat it. Really, less is better… unless you’re Bill Cosby.
RULE 4: Show the irony. That’s what you’re really trying to do is pull out the irony in a situation. Look at it as a good news/bad news… find the irony by listing out all the good and bad in a situation, either real or made-up, and then match them up to see the inconsistencies. “The good news is we’re giving out free tickets to the buffet. The bad news is, you’ll be in line behind Liz Taylor.”
Or you could take it a different direction. List out what would be bad about standing in line at a buffet. . . who you’re in line behind, how old the food is, the length of time you’re in line, etc. . when you see length of time, think up ways to imply time – watch, calendar, etc. .. and you might come up with. . “I won’t say we stood in line long, but I saw them flip the page on my calendar.”
You get the idea. . .lists are king when writing a joke. Stay tuned for Part 3 tomorrow.
JAN’S TOPICAL JOKES
I write a bunch of topical jokes every day for radio. . . some of the good ones still don’t make it on for various reasons. . .here’s a couple of those. . .
JOKES
–RadioShack CEO Julian Day said that he still has “no idea” how the home electronics store manages to stay open. Apparently people just get some kinda sick “high” from standing in the return line.
–Environmentalist Sheryl Crow is suggesting that when you wipe your butt in the bathroom, you only use one square of toilet paper. And remember, if you need more, there’s always the “guest” towels.
–According to scientists at the U.S. Department of Agriculture, alcoholic strawberry drinks, like daiquiris, could be classified as health foods because the liquor boosts antioxidants in strawberries. Which is why I’m starting my new campaign, “a blender in the hands of every homeless person.”
–According to Askmen.com, there are six ways to pleasantly surprise your special lady. . . and not one of ‘em involves dying and leaving her beneficiary to your millions.
–Environmentalist Sheryl Crow has invented a “dining sleeve” you wear on your shirt to wipe your mouth in lieu of a napkin. Hey, I’ve got one of those on every shirt. It’s not detachable, but. . .
–Sanjaya told Ellen Degeneres that he believes his fans were responsible for his long run on “American Idol.” He came to that conclusion after ruling out the cause as “his talent.”
The Anatomy of a Joke. . . Part 1. . .2 Quick Tips
Want to add a few jokes to your next written piece? No problem. As a professional stand-up comedienne and writer who stays afloat by selling volumes of jokes each month (Clinton’s antics paid my mortgage and Bush isn’t doing too badly either), I’ll pass on some joke writing tips that’ll send you in the right direction. Since there are no formal “rules” to joke writing, I’ve made up my own…
Jokes involve a set-up with the subject and facts, and a punch line that highlights the irony, twists the joke in another direction, or gives an outrageous result.
RULE 1: Use familiarity, word associations and common assumptions. We know Strom Thurmond is old (okay, dead, but I like these examples, so play along), Liz Taylor is fat, etc. So take your subject and list phrases, synonyms, stereotypes, sayings, people, places and things connected with it. If you do this when writing an age joke for example, and you want to describe how old someone is, then just list words you associate with old… and you may get – “I won’t say he’s old, but he baby-sat Strom Thurmond.”
RULE 2: Exaggerate things to the extreme. Saying Liz Tyalor is 400 pounds is funny, but it may be too close to the truth. Saying she weighs 1200 pounds is funnier because the picture of a 1200-pound woman is, just, well, funny. (Besides, noooobody weighs 1200 pounds, so you’re pretty safe… even 400 pound people will laugh at that one.)
–For the first time, President Bush did NOT tell jokes at the Annual White House Correspondent’s Dinner. He wanted to, but that would mean he’d have to pull at least half a dozen of his writers off the “put a good spin on Iraq” speeches, which would put him way behind schedule.
–Booted “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar says he wishes he could go back to the days when no one knew who he was. Hey, follow Gary Coleman around. . . it could happen.
–Larry Birkhead says he wants to keep his and Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter out of the limelight. Which won’t be too hard to do once he piles all that cash around her.
(THE ANSWER IS “C”)
–“My Name Is Earl” is making it so you can smell their next episode by:
A.) Sending a “scratch-n-sniff” card in this week’s TV Guide.
B.) Mailing a “scratch-n-sniff” card to all viewers.
C.) HAVING PEOPLE WATCH IT IN AN OUTHOUSE.
–According to a reporter who got a job as a phone sex operator, the only people getting rich in that industry are the:
A.) Phone companies.
B.) Owners.
C.) EX-WIVES IN THE DIVORCE.
–According to “Lavalife Magazine,” if your date is flirting with the male waiter, you should:
A.) Get her to leave the restaurant.
B.) Ask to be reseated in another section.
C.) STOP HITTING ON THE WAITRESS.
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